


Who’s Most Likely To? (With Co-Stars Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier)

by ojangel



Series: the gays are getting a platform (it’s about time!) [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Actor Eddie Kaspbrak, Actor Richie Tozier, Adult Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Dorks in Love, Established Relationship, Famous Richie Tozier, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Idiots in Love, Interviews, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, this is so boring and im terrible at tagging but whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:22:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24573001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ojangel/pseuds/ojangel
Summary: Eddie and Richie play Who’s Most Likely.
Relationships: Don Hagarty/Adrian Mellon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: the gays are getting a platform (it’s about time!) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568068
Comments: 7
Kudos: 116





	Who’s Most Likely To? (With Co-Stars Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier)

[TRANSCRIPT FOR: Who’s Most Likely To? (With Co-Stars Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier)]

_Note: lots of this should be cut. Most of the swearing will be fine, but leave the bit with the nudes out. - Adrian_

*

The video starts with the two standing in front of a white backdrop, holding signs of their own and each other’s face. Eddie, wearing an oversized yellow sweater, smiles sweetly at the camera, while Richie does a strange movement with his eyebrows.

**Eddie** : Hello, we are Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak, and today we’ll be playing who’s more likely to. Alright, first question.

He trails off, looking to Richie.

**Richie** : Right-o, Spaghetti. I’ll start us off.

Richie squints at something off-screen - the question cards.

**E** : Do not tell me you forgot to update your prescription, again. [emphasis on the ‘a’] Good lord, you’ll be proper blind by the time we’re fifty.

**R** : Okay, okay! [laughter from both] Lemme read this. Most likely to flirt with a fan ...

They both put up the stick with Richie’s face glued on. Eddie looks slightly put-out, but says—

**Eddie** : He’s the worst. I’m not kidding. You’ll leave him alone for five minutes and come back to find a hundred girls scribbling their numbers up and down his arms. Last week, after another interview, a fan gave him a teddy bear with their email on its tag! All because Richie decided to compliment the guy’s fucking Star Wars shirt.

**Richie** : You’re just jealous that Buzzfeed hasn’t called you the hottest actor to come out of Disney’s new movies this year.

Eddie flips him off and scowls as he says the next question.

**E** : Who’s most likely to send a sext?

Both become quiet, thinking. Then, Richie holds up Eddie’s face, while Eddie holds up Richie’s.

**E** : Asshole! I wouldn’t!

**Richie** : Yeah, alright, sweetheart. Whatever lets you sleep at night.

**Eddie** : I’m not kidding, Trashmouth. Sexting is a very serious thing. I used to know a girl that got cast in a movie but was fired after her nudes as a teenager got sent to the production team! Her whole career, just gone.

_Note: cut from here, please. Until the next question. - Adrian_

**R** : Dude.

**E** : What?

**R** : What about, like ... [he gestures with his hands. Eddie looks confused] You know. After last year’s Oscars ...

There’s a long pause.

**Eddie** : Oh, my God. That does not count. It was for a dare, and I was drunk, and you— Let’s just move on.

**Richie** : No! I wanna talk about this. Why doesn’t it count? You were naked, you took a picture, and you texted it to ... Uh. Anyway. It counts as sexting. I’ve never done that, but you still put my face up! You know what? I’m [he struggles for words] I’m offended! I’m wounded, in fact!

A man off-screen buts in. [“Er, sorry, but can we get a move on with the questions? It’s just we have a time limit and ...”]

**R** : Okay. Okay. I’ll read the next one.

Eddie crosses his arms, staring right at the camera. Richie glances at him.

**R** : Yowza, this one is a doozy. Who’s most likely to run away and elope?

Neither hesitates. Eddie puts up his own face, as does Richie.

**E** : It’s not like I’m impulsive or anything.

**Richie** : No, I know. You overthink everything. But you’re also just that kinda guy. To, you know. Just elope or whatever. Maybe not run away, though. I reckon you’d feel guilty, Eds.

**Eddie** : Don’t call me that, but you’re right. I’ve had all my important life decisions controlled by other people for a long time, so I think with marriage I would just go for it instead of stressing. I’d definitely, definitely not run away, though.

**Richie** : That’s cute.

Eddie blushes and fiddles with his face-signs.

**R** : You read the next one.

**E** : Sure. Um. Who is most likely to give all their money to charity? Oh, I don’t know about that one.

After a few seconds of deliberating, Richie holds up his own face. Eddie nods and does the same. Three Richie’s stare at the camera.

**Richie** : Ha ha ha. Unlike Spaghetti over here, I am impulsive, so.

**Eddie** : And you’re a closeted hipster. You’d probably dump all your money on some poor charity for, like, I don’t even know. Legalising weed?

**R** : [he shrugs] You don’t gotta expose me like that, though.

**E** : Next question! Oh, this one is actually related to our movie. Who’s most likely to kill their best friend?

**R** : I feel like neither of us. Obviously your character would, though. Oh, oops. Spoiler.

**E** : Idiot. Anyway, you’re right. I wouldn’t actually kill you, and I hope you wouldn’t kill me either.

A great grin comes across Richie’s face. Eddie realises his mistake a moment later; it’s obvious in his suddenly tense shoulders and red cheeks.

_Note: somebody contact their management to see if we can keep the next part in. - Don_

**Richie** : I’m your best friend? Aww! Eddie Spaghetti! You’re so cute. By the way, I would kill you, but only so I could eat your little face-up. [he sighs] So adorable ...

**Eddie** : You are an embarrassment to this entire country, and I hope you find a comfortable home in hell.

Richie leans over and presses a sloppy kiss to the side of Eddie’s face, just a finger away from his lips.

_Note: SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. Please find out whether we can keep this bit. - Don_

**E** : Boundaries, Tozier.

**R** : Whatever, princess. I guess it’s my turn. Who is most likely to get a tattoo? Ah, now here’s a conundrum.

**Eddie** : We both already have tattoos.

Richie pulls the sleeves of his bomber jacket up, revealing a wonky unicorn near his elbow. He gives the camera an awkward grin.

**R** : Got drunk when I was twenty-two and thought it’d be a good idea. It wasn’t, clearly. Some people think it’s a dick when they first see it.

**E** : Really? What kind of dicks are they looking at?

This forces a surprise choke of laughter from Richie. Behind his silver-framed glasses, his eyes shine.

**Richie** : Well, I’ve got some more tattoos on my thighs, but I’m not gonna take my pants off, no matter how much everybody in this building wants me to. How about you, Spagheds? Gonna show us your ink?

Eddie rolls his eyes but still helps the camera to a clear shot of the space behind his ear. A small, black compass sits there.

**E** : I wasn’t drunk, thank God, but I still sort of regret it. Hurt like a bitch, and then my hair ends up covering it most of the time. Pretty stupid, huh? I’ve got some words, er, on my hips, and I also will not be showing those.

**R** : Cool, cool, cool! So, I guess both of us are most likely to get tattoos. Hey, what do the words say?

**Eddie** : They say fuck you, Richie.

**R** : Weird thing to put permanently on your skin, but okay.

Next question, who is most likely to have two girlfriends at a time?

**Eddie** : Um. I’m not going to have even one girlfriend anytime soon, so. You, I guess.

He holds up Richie’s face.

**R** : That’s not fair. How about this? We’ll change the question. Who’s most likely to have two _partners_ at one time?

Eddie shakes his head, not changing his answer. Richie chuckles, but does end up picking himself.

**Richie** : It’s not like I’m some sort of cheater, but Eddie is the last person on the planet to cheat on his boyfriend or whatever.

**E** : Or whatever.

Okie-dokie. Who is most likely to be the first to die in the zombie apocalypse? Good question. [he doesn’t even think about it] Me.

**Richie** : Holy shit, absolutely. You are the worst in stressful situations.

**E** : Shut up! And you know what? [he changes his face to Richie’s.] I choose you, instead. You’re terrible in stressful situations as well!

**R** : How about a compromise? We’d both die, but then we’d become leaders of the zombie invasion and take over the whole world with our cool, non-stressful zombie-ness. Sounds romantic, eh?

**Eddie** : Oh, for sure. First date ideas, anyone?

Let’s move on. Who is most likely to rule the world? Well, we’ve just established that we’d share the crown.

**Richie** : That actually sounds hot. Is this a fetish? Wanting world domination with your ... colleague?

**E** : I think you’re a psychopath, just so you know.

He blows a kiss at Eddie in reply.

**Richie** : O-kay! Who is most likely to not shower for a week?

Simultaneously, both put up their Richie signs. Eddie grins like he’s just gotten an expensive gift.

**Eddie** : Hah! Now everyone will think you’re a dirty man. A - a _himbo_!

**Richie** : Did you just call me a fucking himbo? Jesus Christ, Eds. How have you survived on this cruel Earth for so long? Honestly ...

**E** : What? What’s wrong with that?

**Richie** : Nothing, nothing. Let’s just move on. Who is most likely to take care of the other when they’re sick? This one is easy.

They use their Eddie signs.

**Eddie** : I take this as a compliment. I like taking care of people.

**R** : Sounds dirty. You wanna take care of me, baby?

_Note: should we remove this bit too? - Adrian_

**E** : I want you to remember where we are and what you’re saying.

**Richie** : Sorry.

_Note: yes. Cut the whole question. - Don_

**Richie** : Who is most likely to live in a zoo? This is so random. What sort of question is that? How does somebody live in a zoo? Like, in the cages? Sounds kinda dangerous.

**Eddie** : Dangerous? You, then.

**R** : Wow. Wow. I didn’t expect such hatred from you, Eds. From my best friend. From my b—

**Eddie** : Idiot! Richie!

_Note: get rid of this too. Sorry, everyone. - Adrian_

**Richie** : I was just gonna say best friend in the whole world.

**E** : Whatever. How many more questions?

Somebody off-screen replies, “Just two, sir.”

**Eddie** : Okay. Who’s most likely to throw a fit during Monopoly? I think both, maybe?

_Note: anyone else realise they don’t even use the signs anymore? - Adrian_

**Richie** : Against Stan, definitely. We should team up to beat him next time. But against each other? You.

**E** : Yeah, I get that.

_Note: who is Stan??? - Don_

**Richie** : This is so sad, guys. It’s our last question.

_Note: Stan is their publicist. - Adrian_

**R** : Who is most likely to fall asleep anywhere? It depends, honestly. Like, after we’ve finished on-set and just gone home to a hotel or our apartment, then Eddie. But just randomly, like at the movies or at a wedding, then me.

**Eddie** : No offence, Rich, but I always found that creepy. Do you remember when you started snoring in the middle of Greta’s vows? _So_ embarrassing.

**Richie** : Ah, you love me!

**E** : Maybe a little.

A pause.

**R** : Oh. Um. Do you agree, then?

**Eddie** : Huh? Oh, yeah. I get really tired on workdays, so I’ll end up falling asleep even on the cab back home. But otherwise, I’m pretty alert, unlike Richie over here, who has the worst sleep schedule in all of America.

**Richie** : A little dramatic, Eddie my love.

**Eddie** : But true.

Richie sighs.

**R** : But true, yes ...

_Note: maybe we should scrap the whole thing and just go for dinner. Is the media even supposed to know that they live together? - Adrian_

**Richie** : I guess that’s it, then!

_Note: yes, please. Let’s check out that new Indian place on Wise Street. Also, I googled it, and last I checked the internet thinks the two are straight. We really need to talk to our boss. - Don_

**Eddie** : This has been Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak playing—

**Richie** : —who’s most likely to! Go check out our new movie, Bird-Bound, in cinemas now! Love you all!

Both blow a kiss to the camera. The video cuts black.

**Author's Note:**

> just to be clear:
> 
> richie and eddie are closeted but not very good at keeping it a secret. adrian and don, part time editors and full-time boyfriends, quickly realise this.


End file.
